God Save The Sex Pistols

[JohnnyRotter]

Nintendo have a new game out were the player is a 12 year old car thief from glasgow and has to cause as much trouble as possible, its called the wii bastard!

[JohnnyRotter]

man and a woman walking through the park.they stop for a kiss. 'ohhh' said the woman. 'you smell nice - what you got on' man says.'a hard on but didnt know you could fucking smell it'

[MadMax85]

Paddy & Mick are walking along a country road and come upon a grave stone by the roadside.

"Jesus!" says Paddy, "This bloke was 152 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Mick.

"Miles from London!" replied Paddy...


Ba-boom!

[jason ramone]

I was sucking off my new Thai bride last night when I thought 'hang on a fuckin' minute.....'


Went to the Doctor's whilst in Bangkok recently to get my knackers checked out. As the doc cupped my balls she said "Dont' worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection during this kind of examination". I said "But I haven't got one" She replied "No, but I have".


A German dwarf visits a prostitute. Just before they get down to it he puts a spring on each elbow and knee and the shagging starts with him going non-stop most of the night. "How'd you manage that"? the prostitiute asks breathlessly. He replies "It's my Foursprung Dwarf Technique"!


My Chinese mate had a girlfriend called Lorraine. He was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee. Sadly, Lorraine died. After her funeral my mate stood up and sang "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone".

[mark]

top tip.if your camping in the summer and the attractive young lady in the next tent tells you because its so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open its not necessarilly an invitation for casual sex ;i appear in court next monday

[bobe77]

WHIZZER

[JohnnyRotter]

[KC]

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17.. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, ‘Well don't go there anymore’

23.. Ireland ’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[KC]

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening'

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.'

[KC]

The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.



A Vicar books into a Hotel & say's to the receptionist

" I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled"

She replies

"No Sir, It's just regular porn, you sick B@stard"

[JohnnyRotter]

dont suppose you know the difference between mike tyson and elton john? - elton john's been punched around the ring more times

[JohnnyRotter]

i just answered the door to a 6ft beetle .... he smacked me round the head and told me to fuck off....apparently theres a nasty bug going around

[KidVicious]

jokes like that really tickle me

[winstonlegthigh]

KC, your ones are really good

[WHIZZER]

SAFC